Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Surfers Healing Mommy's Anxiety

A couple of months ago I signed my sweet precious angel with autism up for Surfers Healing a nice surf camp day for children with autism.  Well for crying out loud, was I out of my damn mind??????  I am 24 hours away and my heart is pounding an my palms are sweaty and tears have been streaming down my damn face all day.  I'm throwing this poor 4 1/2 year old non verbal sweet pea out into open water.  (That was the night terror I woke up with last night)

I am full of excitement and anxiety.  I have heard nothing but amazing things about Surfers Healing and what they do for kids with autism.  My Franklin LOVES LOVES LOVES the water,  pools, and lakes and even slow running creeks and streams he likes.  However he has this crazy psychotic fear of the ocean, his fight or flight instinct kicks in and he is a running, crying convulsing mess.  Now there are two methods to my thinking.  The first is, what in the hell am I thinking putting my kid through something that he will hate and may possibly terrify him and all those kids around him that are on the fence about surfing?  The second is he needs this,  once the pros crack the shell of his autism he may end up loving it and we could be opening a whole new world to him.  (Which is what I am praying for - and I hope you will pray for that too).

I have read other blogs and emails from moms that have already done a surf camp day with Surfers Healing and said that their child was different at the end of the session for the better.   My mommy gut is telling me he may love it once they crack through the initial terror and that he will love it. (This is the part that I would really like a guarantee on.)

My anxiety that is about to give me a heart attack is my husband is going, and he is not a good source of comfort and support.  He will more than likely be his own wound up tight bundle of nerves.

The other piece of my anxiety is that I don't want to do something that will harm him and cause him discomfort.  I second guess myself and the fact that I may be doing the wrong thing and it might be bad for him.  I have to turn the volume down on all the negative voices around me (because there are a lot of them).  But I know that his life is not easy and sometimes I want to make things easy for him and I need to step away and even though this may be a huge obstacle for him to overcome I need to make him try it.  We live in Southern California I can't make the ocean go away because he is afraid of it.  This is something that he has to adapt to.  I don't want to be cold and heartless, and I'm not my heart is in pieces over this.  I want this to work for him, I know that the joy he will get from it will be immeasurable.

My excitement is that we will crack more of the stupid shell of autism that has my son encapsulated and separated from his family and the outside world.  My intention is to only do the best for him and to open windows and doors to his little autistic world that he can climb out of and participate with the rest of us.

My excitement also lies in the fact that I have this crazy awesome feeling that this will open a door of opportunity and do something amazing for Franklin and us as a family. We will be able to go to the beach and participate in a whole world of new things because of this.

Pray for Franklin and me tomorrow that miraculous and wonderful things are opened up to him tomorrow through Surfers Healing.   I am going to make the beach day as pleasant as possible and have all of Franklin's reinforcing snacks and toys there so that we will have the best luck possible.

And after I'm going to Shannon's for a HUGE cocktail :)


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