Wednesday, February 5, 2014

My apology to my son

Dear Franklin,

I am so sorry and have been full of doubt and guilt for – well doubt of my mothering abilities probably since your birth and guilt since the second some professional told me you had autism.  I let some people that work with you convince me that you were not worthy of the help you need, I let their words cloud my judgment where you were concerned, and I let precious time be wasted. 

You see, there is no instruction manual for typical children, and there is absolutely no manual to maneuver your way through the labyrinth of life after you are labeled  “special needs”.   There are so called “professionals” that really have a passion for children like you and want to help, but are corn hold because of a horrible defective system.  There are so called professionals that are out for a money grab, and don’t really care if they help you or not, they just want to get their check.  There are professionals that pull at the heartstrings of families that so desperately want help, with no guarantees, and very large expenses.  I’ve pretty much lost faith in the professionals – it has been the mommies, and the daddies, that have lifted us up, and helped us and guided the families in how to survive the jungle of special education.  And for those families we will never be able to express our true gratitude, except to pay it forward to the newly diagnosed families.

Mommy took the professionals at their word that they had your best interests at heart.  I believed them when they said you were getting an appropriate amount of services for your level of cognition.  (WHICH WAS A LIE)
 I believed them, when they said this might be as good as you get. (WHICH IS NOT TRUE)
 I believed them when they said, you may want to consider just making him comfortable this might be all there is for him. (WHICH IS UNACCEPTABLE)
 I believed them, when they said you were not teachable because your behavior was too challenging.  (YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, THE PROFESSIONALS ARE THE PROBLEM)
 I believed them when they tried to make me doubt you and what is inside, and lost sight of what an amazing little boy you are.

So my pledge to you baby boy, is to NEVER EVER take a professionals word with a bit of sincerity.  I will always find a way to help you.  I will never take no for an answer. I will never let anyone lessen your worth because you are different, I will never let someone work with you that does not believe in you and your abilities.  I will not let anyone work with you that do not think they are capable of offering solution to your life.  I will make sure that I always listen to my mommy gut, and will not let a bunch of initials behind someone’s name determine that they know you better than me, after a 20 minute assessment. I will take this ProLoQuo 2 Go, and let it give you the voice you so desperately deserve.  I want nothing more in my life to hear your thoughts and wants, and likes and dislikes.  I can't wait for wait is about to come.  In 2 days since another mommy told me how to help you, you have amazed me (and I think yourself) with what you can do.

You are the most amazing thing I have done with my life, and I’m so sorry I let my loyalty to you, and what I thought was best for you weaken, because of the minutia that I was being fed by some stupid ignorant people with degrees.  I will never stop believing in you. I will go to the ends of the earth to search out help for you and I will always make sure that YOUR best interest is in my heart, not the convenience of a few.

I love you baby, and I will never stop standing strong for you.