90 days away

Well it's official my first 1/2 marathon is 90 days away.  My plan is to run the Disney Tinkerbell 1/2 marathon on January 29, 2011.  So sort of ass backwards, it's a new years resolution, but I have to start it before the end of the year.  I've been running officially since March of this year, and have run 5 5K's and just signed up for my first 10K on Thanksgiving morning.

I think when I looked at the calendar and realized that I'm now officially 3 months away I started feeling anxiety in my heart and breathing and those "I can't" voices started chattering in the back of my head.  But they can kiss my ass.  This is the longest that I have ever stuck to any fitness program in my life.  For crying out loud, I have to run.  I don't have a choice, it keeps me sane.  Even if I don't want to run races, I better not stop running.  The running got me off anti-depressants, cleared the fog of life off my brain, allowed me to focus on something else than Autism, therapies, speech, diets, and the reality of that for short spurts of time a few times a week.    Those "I can't" voices, are not beating me this time.  This I do for me, I have to do this so I that I can do for my kids.  I'm not fooling anyone, I'm not a crazy good athlete, I'm not a "real" runner.  It helps me, I need to do it, like diabetics need to take insulin, I need to run.  It's good for me, I need to do it, it's like a medicine for me, and that is why I do it.

I will be ready for this half marathon, and I will make it my race, and I will run it at my pace.  I don't have to win, I just have to do it.

I follow bloggers, and websites for weightloss and fitness and that has been such a blessing to me and my journey of my health.  This year I have lost 80 lbs (so far), gained some confidence, been able to finish races, gained a ton of respect for running moms, and runners in general.  Really have learned patience that I have been able to carry through to my kids, friends and family.  This running that I'm not crazy about is making me a better person, better wife, better mommy, better everything.   So like it or not, I'm continuing this journey because now that I have a slight grip on my physical health, I don't want to let it go.

So Tinkerbell and I have a date in January, and I will keep you posted on how the training is going.

Rebecca

I wonder what it's like....

After the last two weeks of someone and their horrible attitude and outlook upon life has worked my last nerve, I have to wonder what it's like.....

• to find the bad in EVERY situation (like winning the lotto, but would cry about having to pay the taxes on winnings)
• to have their lunch made and packed for them every day yet bitch that the lettuce was not chopped enough
• to have a smoothie made for them every morning and bitch about the consistency
• to have all their clothes laid out and whine about the shirts that are put out for them
• whining about going to work and all the over time they volunteer for.   But when there isnt' enough overtime the whining doesn't stop either
• after watching a child go through months and months of speech therapy and even though the kid has words there is no smile just the sad question "when is he going to say sentences?

So basically I wonder what it is like to be my husband.

These little things that have been going on daily for the last couple of weeks have about got me unglued.  My husband and has his neurosis have driven me crazy.  His malcontent statements and actions are giving me insomnia.  I have spent too many nights wondering what on earth can you do to make someone that will find the bad in everything happy.  What I determined in the last couple of days is that the happiness has to come from within, and as much as he wants to beat me and what I do down on how crappy I do everything, HE is just an unhappy bastard.   I am not perfect far from it, so I can't even be perfectly imperfect.  It's impossible to everything right, and it's impossible to do everything wrong (no matter what he says).  I have been told I don't take good care enough of the kids, that I'm lazy, that I need to make more money, and I'm frankly ready to tape his mouth up with duct tape until his attitude changes, or kick his teeth in whichever comes first.  Now everyday is not like this but he has periods that last like this for a few weeks every couple months and this time, I'm not biting or fighting back, I'm just ignoring the bad behavior, and hoping it or he will just go away.  This is one of those lovely things a sober alcoholic goes through and I have to put my Al-Anon to use and just not buy into his crap.  It's so HARD not to fight back, because those words hurt, but they just flat out aren't true. 

Rebecca

Technology, I'm thankful for but glad it wasn't around when I was little

When I was little, trick or treating with our parents was a tradition.  My mom stayed home and passed out candy, and the dads took all the kids to beg for candy in the neighborhood.  I think the first time we were able to trick or treat alone, (I’m sure there were parents hiding in the bushes watching over us) we were about 12 years old.  We had our rules, streets we were allowed to go on, and you better be home by 8:15.  End of story.

Well as I sit here now with my own children, there is a crazy new piece of technology that makes me excited to be the helicopter mom that I am.  I am however, also very grateful this stuff was not available when I was growing up.  Trick or Tracker is a Smartphone mobile application that is the brain child of Wayne Irving the CEO of Iconosys in Laguna Niguel.  Trick or Tracker®, which utilizes Iconosys’ Guards Up™ ,  Latchkey Kid™ and Tether Together,™ installs on both the parent’s phone and the child’s phone, allowing the parent to find the child either on demand or at pre-set check-in intervals, and allowing the children to locate the parent or to send a distress call to the parent in a time of need.

Trick or Tracker®  is now available for download from the Android Market, at Iconosys.com, and at TrickOrTracker.com.  The app costs $4.99 for a lifetime license, but until Halloween Day, it will be available from www.trickortracker.com for free from until 11:59pm EST 10/31. It is available in English and Spanish.

Now because common sense is not that common I have to tell you, if your children are too young  to not properly operate a cell phone, or are not responsible to own or even borrow a phone, we suggest that you trick or treat with your child.  Technology is not meant to take the place of a parent, it is meant to enhance your abilities as a parent in keeping your children safe, and watched over.

As a real mom who cares for her children I would download this app for sure, it is easy to use,  and it is definitely something I would recommend to all my friends and their children.  If there is something like this that will help us to keep our children safe I am all for it.   This is not just technology that can be utilized on Halloween this is technology that is perfect for all year round, even when you kids are outside playing, you have the ability to know where they are at all times, without worry.

Since children have to grow and we have to give them some slack on the leash to grow and explore, then we need to embrace this technology.  Technology will never replace us as parents,  it gives us an extra set of eyes in this big world that we live in.  But I'm sure glad this wasn't around when I was growing up :)  but am happy as hell that as a mom it's available for me and my kids.

Rebecca

Just Because...............

Too many thoughts with no where to go are going to come out now just because I can

Just because:

• my kids have Autism doesn't mean they can't play with your kids
• I'm a working mom doesn't make me a "lazy" mother
• I don't go to events because of my kids, doesn't mean I don't like being asked places
• we don't think the same doesn't mean we can't be friends
• you have time for ridiculous drama doesn't mean I do
• I fell off my clean eating and working out doesn't mean I can't get back on the wagon tomorrow.
• I don't run as often or as fast doesn't mean I am not a runner.
• you say it and think it doesn't make it my reality
• I had cancer doesn't mean it's coming back
• I sometimes think I can't or don't want to doesn't mean I'm not going to DO IT!!!

Rebecca

A night in Anaheim

Well I did it!  I went out alone to my first blogger event, and it was a success as far as I was concerned.  The event was beautiful, fun, entertaining, and there was free libations, food, and they gave STUFF away! Is there any more that anyone could ask for at an event?


I've been to a million business evenings unveiling new product from companies  from "Windows 95" to "school fashion shows" to "Tupperware" parties.  This was in my top 3 for fun, well planned and an entertaining event for an unveiling of the new Anaheim Grand Plaza, I will write about that more later.

It was the perfect storm of bloggers, sponsors and planners that made the event.  I met some bloggers and tweeps that I follow and that was a sheer pleasure, that fierce fashion show and the way they had the models com down the escalator was GENIUS!   I'm not the girly fashion show type but this made me stop look and listen to everything coming down the stairs.

Thanks again to the Anaheim Orange County Vistor and Convention Bureau, OC Blogger Bash, Disney, Knotts, MomsLA and all the sponsors that gave away good stuff, you made a great night for moms like me, getting a night out is a rare occurance so the fact that is it was fun makes me look forward to the next one.  I can not wait to use my prize at The Rooftop Bar in Laguna Beach,  maybe a Real Housewife will be there and I can show her what there is to being "REAL".

Rebecca

A night in Anaheim

Well I did it!  I went out alone to my first blogger event, and it was a success as far as I was concerned.  The event was beautiful, fun, entertaining, and there was free libations, food, and they gave STUFF away! Is there anymore that anyone could ask for at an event.

I've been to a million business evenings unveiling new product from companies  from "Windows 95" to "school fashion shows" to "Tupperware" parties.  This was in my top 3 for fun, well planned and an entertaining event for an unveiling of the new Anaheim Grand Plaza, I will write about that more later.

It was the perfect storm of bloggers, sponsors and planners that made the event.  I met some bloggers and tweeps that I follow and that was a sheer pleasure, that fierce fashion show and the way they had the models com down the escalator was GENIUS!   I'm not the girly fashion show type but this made me stop look and listen to everything coming down the stairs.

Thanks again to the Anaheim Orange County Vistor and Convention Bureau, OC Blogger Bash, Disney, Knotts, LA Moms, and all the sponsors that gave away good stuff, you made a great night for moms like me, getting a night out is a rare occurance so the fact that is it was fun makes me look forward to the next one.  I can not wait to use my prize at The Rooftop Bar in Laguna Beach,  maybe a Real Housewife will be there and I can show her what there is to being "REAL".

Rebecca

Mom's Night

Going out

Tonight I am attending my first Blogger Event.  Holy crap!  This brings out ridiculous amounts of anxiety and feelings inadequacies.  But wait, my blog must be at least okay because someone noticed it enough to even invite me to an event.

I think it's the whole all girls Catholic school thing in my head.  I never felt like I fit in there, and still don't. I hated all girls high schoool, it was like a 4 year long torture session.  I'm going to see a bunch of chick bloggers at a party, and the high school girl in my head is dreading it and living in fear. However, the middle aged mother of two autistic kids, breast cancer survivor, runner (sort of), athlete wanna be and 80lb weight loss loser and former hard core career person is looking really forward to getting out and using my brain and seeing what the next chapter has for me.

So me and my multiple personalities are going to get in the car drive up to Anaheim, and put our best foot forward and even though I don't have the right outfit (I'm sure), am not the richest, thinnest, or prettiest there,  I'm gonna have a good time, learn some things, and enjoy meeting some new people and see what you other bloggers can teach a Real Mom from OC!

Rebecca

The Inadequate Mother

Do you ever just feel so ridiculously inadequate as a mom you can't believe that you are responsible for the lives of small children?

I do not know, and will never understand how some of you do it all.

Martha Stewart I am not
Bethenny Frankel is annoying to me but I like what she has done for herself but the OCD needs to be slapped out of her
Rachael Ray seems like someone I'd hang with because I bet she would let a dish soak in the sink over night.
I rarely can get laundry done folded and put away in the same day.
My mother in law must think she is in a contest to clean the world because the woman NEVER stops no matter whose house she is at mine, hers, her other kids, it's a psychotic need she has to have a spray bottle and towel in her hand and be wiping up some mess.

In the month and a half since I have been at work the ridiculous guilt I feel when my 2 year old is crying when I leave every day is palpable.
I don't have my Halloween candy purchased
I don't know what they are going to be for Halloween
I don't have Halloween cards or gifts for everyone at school
I am not ready for Christmas, have no idea what anyone is getting and how we are even going to pay for Christmas this year
i don't know where we are eating Thanksgiving and frankly I don't care.

Maybe I need to stop watching the TV and thinking the women of Bravo are a lesson in how to be a good wife and mom.

I came out of such a dark and scary year and I want to be good and do so many things that I feel inadequate at them all now.  I want to be the good mom, the good wife, the good employee, daughter, friend, sister, and Aunt.  I want to be the good runner and athlete, and the best blogger and good writer, and the list goes on and on.  Right now I feel like I'm sucking at everything being a mom, a worker, a blogger, and an athlete.  I'm slacking in everything and I need to step it up.  But why????

I am a good mom, my kids are happy, we kick Autism down the road every day and chip away at it as best we can, I try my best to exercise 20 minutes daily, I try to eat decent, some days just going to work and caring for my kids is the best I can do, and I think that should be enough for the most part.  I keep the house in decent shape (but it does drive my mother in law nuts)  We are like Everybody loves Raymond, no matter how much I spent cleaning she would always find something else to clean or clean it better.  I'm over the contest, she wins.

I will always be the mom who needs coffee to get through a day, and I will always be the mom who is laughing at something terrible and inappropriate.  I want to be the mom who stays home with her kids but right now I need to work and help provide for our family.  So I need to s silence the noise in my head that I'm not doing anything right, because I am doing what is in front of me, just like we all are.

So tomorrow I will make sure my kids eat 3 meals, that I get my time in at work, that everyone gets to their proper therapies and the dishes and stuff get done and I will say hi to my husband as we pass in the night while he is doing crazy overtime hours for the next couple weeks.  If I get to vacuum and get a load of laundry and dishes done and get a workout in and put everyone to sleep the day will be a success, and hopefully I will chip away at the feelings of inadequacy and know that doing the best I can is sometimes good enough.

Rebecca