Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Want to be that Athlete

I do, I envision it, I see it, I feel it (sometimes).  I am really working hard to stay on my fitness and weight loss track, and I think that sometimes I sabotage myself more than anything.  I was doing so well.  I look forward to my workouts, I started enjoying my workouts, my runs, my meal planning.  Then one bite of pizza turns into, not working out the next day and eating ice cream alone in my car during the day.

I did a mud run nearly 2 weeks ago, and it seriously kicked my ass.  It was harder than I thought it would be my feet were tore up afterwards, I was sore, and basically being a baby.   Instead of committing to get stronger and work harder for the next race.  I only did a couple light workouts, and let my eating just go, it was a basic feeding frenzy.

So as I’m completely disappointed in myself and the way I am acting, I kicked up the workouts last weekend and this week so far I have been on track.  I have eaten clean, but had insane cravings for junk, which for the most part I have staved off. 

I have gotten on this fitness blogosphere and read what these amazing moms and women are doing at my age and their weight loss and fitness goals, and they just go and go and go.  I know I have been doing this seriously for 6 months, but I think I should be winning a gold medal at the Olympics or something and disappointed that it takes me almost 40 minutes to do a 5K.  

I just read Janet Evans is going to swim in the 2012 Olympics, Dara Torres is just a rockin’ athlete and mom.  It’s funny because I feel somewhere between Frumpy Middle Aged Mom and Amazing Athlete.  Because we seriously know I’m absofrickinlutely NOT going to be anywhere on the Real Housewife spectrum.

So I may get to all of these fitness goals, but I think if I do them at my pace.  My goal is still to do a ½ marathon in January.  I have another 30 lbs I’d like to lose to get me to the 100 lb. mark. 

I’m putting this out there for accountability and suggestions.  To all you fit bloggers.  Please bring it on.  I need help on how you get through the doldrums?  How do you consistently stay on track? 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I have 2 children

Since getting laid off last week, and having my mornings with my 2 1/2 year old by myself, and Franklin being at school.  I got the guilts and the gift of getting several hours alone with Jackson.

I spend so much time on Franklin and his therapies and schools, and making sure that we are trying to have a melt down free environment.  Jackson sometimes I think gets screwed and gets a real short end of the stick.  It made me sad this morning just looking at how much he wanted my undivided attention.  So I took him to the pool, and we swam and played, he pummeled and wrestled me, and climbs on me like I am his personal jungle gym and did some of his speech therapy work, and built Legos, and ate breakfast and lunch together.  After I got him showered and dressed after the pool, he hugged me and said "ahhhh mmama".  It takes so little to make the kid totally happy, and after spending just a little time alone with him without other distractions, I have to remind myself - I HAVE 2 children.

Franklin is special and requires a lot, but Jackson is my baby and he requires my time and love and attention too. I was hit with the shitty mother stick today, but am not going to feel bad.  I am basking in the joy of watching him nap because we played to the point of exhaustion (and I left the kitchen a mess) I played before I did the chores, and the child and the mommy are happier because of it.

Until I get a job (and beyond when I get a job) my baby is getting one on one mommy time, screw autism, and laundry, and all the other stupid chores that take time away from the little people who need us.

I am blessed to be the mommy to these two little souls, and they deserve the equal amount of time from me, equal love, and equal work.  I will figure out a balance, because I hate getting hit with the shitty mommy stick.  I took the wind out of me, but my little man telling me "aaahhhh mama" gave me the wind and the burst of love and energy I needed to remind me.  There are 2 boys equally special and equally loved here.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Real Mom gets Real Muddy

Well after I have done my 4th 5K a friend of mine approached me to do the mud run at Irvine Lake with her a couple of weeks ago.    So feeling very cocky I said yes.  I was a little excited a little anxious and basically couldn't wait to see what was going to happen.

It was more of a "bucket list" kind of thing that I wanted to do and just see if I could finish.  It was almost a 4 mile course of heavy terrain.  2 ass kicking butt burning bring me to respiratory distress hills and 20 mud pits and obstacles.  So what 43 year old former fat girl, cancer survivor,  mother of 2 wouldn't jump at the opportunity to humiliate herself in front of thousands of people.   But I didn't embarrass myself too much,  I finished the course in 1 hour 10 minutes and walked about a mile of the course.  It was 90 degrees and I learned a lot about my running and how much of a true novice I am and how much I need to work on.

But the fun parts of the day were just actually getting dirty.  I mean really, when do we as moms working or at home just get to get dirty and laugh about it?   After 3 showers I think I finally got all the mud and pebbles out of my butt crack.  One of the obstacles was crawling throw a pipe under a bridge in the mud, and the only vision I had in my head was Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption escaping from jail crawling through human excrement - well it made me crawl through there really really fast.  My favorite part of the course was the down hill slip n' slide.  You have to do everything once - right???? So I went diving down hill head first - having a blast.

I got up to this wall to climb up and over and started laughing I was by myself with this pack of 8 guys who were US Marines coming up behind me and they lifted and helped my fat ass over that wall like I was one of them.  So that got me going again and I was running to the end of the course and saw my friend Cheryl and her husband cheering me on and that always helps to have a rooting section.

Cheryl has run several half marathons and was about 10 minutes a head of me.  So I left the race proud that a 43 year old chubster finished this course that was really tough.  I learned that I breath really hard, I guess I don't notice that because of my headphones, it was getting on my nerves.

Now after you finish running and crawling through mud puddles and sliding down hills.  You have to get clean before you get in your car.  I did donate my shoes at the end of the event.  Rather than opt for the mile long line for a shower we scooted over to the high pressure hose off from a fire truck.  It did the job much faster, and then we changed our clothes surfer style wrapped in a beach towel.

All in all, I had a great time, I would do it again.  In fact September 10 there is a Stand up to Cancer event that is a mud run and we signed up to do it.  I do need to work on my fitness and nutrition that was very evident to me after this event, today I am incredibly sore.  So I've gotten comfortable with my workouts and now it's time to kick them up a notch and fuel my body better.

But my favorite part of the day was know that this is something a Real Mom would do for fun, this was something that would kick the shit out of a Real Housewife, their false eyelashes might come off.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The time has come - DAMMIT

Well last week, I was the victim of this hellacious economy (AGAIN) and was laid of from my job.  I worked part time for a friend of ours that allowed my schedule to be from 5am - 11am, so either myself or my husband was with our kids my husband works 12 - 9pm.  So with Franklin's school and his therapy and being that we participate in a lot of the therapy that is done in our home this was IDEAL for us.  The money was not ideal in fact we were just squeeking by barely.  My husband often refers to our financial situation as we are one bad transmission away from financial disaster.

So this week I put it out there and began the search for full time work.  And I have a job interview tomorrow.  This is not the mom that I wanted to be working and taking care of kids.  I didn't mind it before the Autism diagnosis but I am sick about it.  Who will advocate for him, who will make sure he is on the bus, who will make sure he eats, who will make sure he is socially engaging people?   Or my bigger fear, will he start to do better at the hands of a care provider?  Will he start talking, engaging, eating anything other than Doritos and Chicken?  Will my 2 year old stop being a terrorist and be the sweet thing he is at night when we cuddle before bed?    I don't want to miss those things, and I swear the feeling of inadequacy as a mom is overwhelming on my best day.  On days where I am suffering from low self-esteem, or my kids are needy or Franklin is having a special "autism" meltdown type day, or is on a hunger strike, or is pooping and bringing it to me,  who is going to take care of that?

I want to help contribute financially to our family.  I know that it will take the burden and stress off of my husbands shoulders (hopefully then being a jerk all the time will be eased into some of the time).  I know the stress has gotten and is getting to both of us.

We can not sell our house and rent, and we have cut out every extra amenity we could.  I don't get haircuts, manicures, pedicures, buy clothes or go out.  We are bare bones and have been for sometime.  Rent in our area is higher than what our mortgage is.  When we bought our house we could afford it.  We have lived in our home for 8 years completely remodeled it and its gorgeous, and for an extra thousand dollars in rent we can move to a DUMP.

So I am sucking it up, as I cry and will work, and know I am doing the best for my kiddos.  I will miss them terribly during the day.  I have to say I respect the moms that go to a job and work all day and keep a house, and take care of the kids and do it all with grace and calmness.  I seriously doubt my abilities to get it all done.  I will do my best, and if I end up stealing a child's Ritalin to get through the day (KIDDING).  I will need suggestions and orders to follow from those of you moms that blaze the trail in front of me?

How do you work, care for your kids, clean house, have everyone eat right, care for your home, work out, stay fit, and get some sleep?  It's overwhelming, and I'm not trying to be a baby, I just really can barely do it now only working until noon.  How do you all do it????  Will I be able to do it?


Saturday, July 9, 2011

You can run but you can't hide

For the last 6 months I have embarked on a health and fitness journey that has made me want to get off of the ride more than once and eat a pizza, or a whole cake (I think I did that once), or just lay and watch TV and not do the things necessary to watch my health.

As soon as I look at my kids though no matter how tired I am I can at least bang out 1 mile on the treadmill and do some ab work, or some squats.   They make me make healthier choices.  And physically they keep me going.  I don't know if I've run more this week or worked out harder because I'm getting ready for my first MUD RUN next weekend.  But I am sore, but beyond sore, joints hurt, my feet hurt, when I get out of bed I feel like I am being stabbed in the bottom of my foot.  So I take some Advil, suck it up and do the next indicated thing.

I have got to work on the mental part of my health and not stuff all the things that are bothering because that leads me to make a lot of choices that are unhealthy way beyond just eating a pizza.  My marriage is in a bad place and I hate autism and I got laid off, and we are broke and everything I say or do at least in our house gets put down or criticized, so instead of reacting I run, maybe I'm running too much.  I don't know.  But I am putting it out there and just knowing that it's out there takes a little anxiety away.  I have things here I need to do but am stuck in a place of fear.

The things I know I need to do to fix the problems are stop procrastinating, stop blaming, be honest with everyone, stop waiting for it to get better and make it better.    I do know I am a good mom to my kids, I do know that I am smart and there will be a job that will allow me to work and care for my kids.  I don't want to sink into this quicksand of depression so I have to get out of it and move and change.  I am the only one that will do it for me and my kids, so what in the hell is wrong with me, why am I not changing? I just don't know how to do that, I figure out a little bit more everyday on the treadmill and on the road but I have a long way to go to find that happiness that I want.

I know it's there but it's hiding and I'm going to find it, I just need some help trying to get there.