Well last week, I was the victim of this hellacious economy (AGAIN) and was laid of from my job. I worked part time for a friend of ours that allowed my schedule to be from 5am - 11am, so either myself or my husband was with our kids my husband works 12 - 9pm. So with Franklin's school and his therapy and being that we participate in a lot of the therapy that is done in our home this was IDEAL for us. The money was not ideal in fact we were just squeeking by barely. My husband often refers to our financial situation as we are one bad transmission away from financial disaster.
So this week I put it out there and began the search for full time work. And I have a job interview tomorrow. This is not the mom that I wanted to be working and taking care of kids. I didn't mind it before the Autism diagnosis but I am sick about it. Who will advocate for him, who will make sure he is on the bus, who will make sure he eats, who will make sure he is socially engaging people? Or my bigger fear, will he start to do better at the hands of a care provider? Will he start talking, engaging, eating anything other than Doritos and Chicken? Will my 2 year old stop being a terrorist and be the sweet thing he is at night when we cuddle before bed? I don't want to miss those things, and I swear the feeling of inadequacy as a mom is overwhelming on my best day. On days where I am suffering from low self-esteem, or my kids are needy or Franklin is having a special "autism" meltdown type day, or is on a hunger strike, or is pooping and bringing it to me, who is going to take care of that?
I want to help contribute financially to our family. I know that it will take the burden and stress off of my husbands shoulders (hopefully then being a jerk all the time will be eased into some of the time). I know the stress has gotten and is getting to both of us.
We can not sell our house and rent, and we have cut out every extra amenity we could. I don't get haircuts, manicures, pedicures, buy clothes or go out. We are bare bones and have been for sometime. Rent in our area is higher than what our mortgage is. When we bought our house we could afford it. We have lived in our home for 8 years completely remodeled it and its gorgeous, and for an extra thousand dollars in rent we can move to a DUMP.
So I am sucking it up, as I cry and will work, and know I am doing the best for my kiddos. I will miss them terribly during the day. I have to say I respect the moms that go to a job and work all day and keep a house, and take care of the kids and do it all with grace and calmness. I seriously doubt my abilities to get it all done. I will do my best, and if I end up stealing a child's Ritalin to get through the day (KIDDING). I will need suggestions and orders to follow from those of you moms that blaze the trail in front of me?