Saturday, July 9, 2011

You can run but you can't hide

For the last 6 months I have embarked on a health and fitness journey that has made me want to get off of the ride more than once and eat a pizza, or a whole cake (I think I did that once), or just lay and watch TV and not do the things necessary to watch my health.

As soon as I look at my kids though no matter how tired I am I can at least bang out 1 mile on the treadmill and do some ab work, or some squats.   They make me make healthier choices.  And physically they keep me going.  I don't know if I've run more this week or worked out harder because I'm getting ready for my first MUD RUN next weekend.  But I am sore, but beyond sore, joints hurt, my feet hurt, when I get out of bed I feel like I am being stabbed in the bottom of my foot.  So I take some Advil, suck it up and do the next indicated thing.

I have got to work on the mental part of my health and not stuff all the things that are bothering because that leads me to make a lot of choices that are unhealthy way beyond just eating a pizza.  My marriage is in a bad place and I hate autism and I got laid off, and we are broke and everything I say or do at least in our house gets put down or criticized, so instead of reacting I run, maybe I'm running too much.  I don't know.  But I am putting it out there and just knowing that it's out there takes a little anxiety away.  I have things here I need to do but am stuck in a place of fear.

The things I know I need to do to fix the problems are stop procrastinating, stop blaming, be honest with everyone, stop waiting for it to get better and make it better.    I do know I am a good mom to my kids, I do know that I am smart and there will be a job that will allow me to work and care for my kids.  I don't want to sink into this quicksand of depression so I have to get out of it and move and change.  I am the only one that will do it for me and my kids, so what in the hell is wrong with me, why am I not changing? I just don't know how to do that, I figure out a little bit more everyday on the treadmill and on the road but I have a long way to go to find that happiness that I want.

I know it's there but it's hiding and I'm going to find it, I just need some help trying to get there. 



  1. That? Looked like a great vent. Do you feel any better for having written it?

    You have so much going on. I tend to turn to exercise to get away from it all, and then I come home and eat. So I never seem to get anywhere, really.

    Anyway. Your road is hard right now. I'm rooting for you.

  2. Saying prayers for you! The foot pain could be heel spirs or Plantar Fasciitis. I've had both and that's exactly how I would describe the pain. I was laid off in 2009 and off work for a long 9 months - not sure how we got through it but God provided. I realize now that He had a better plan and a better job for me that gives me the flexiblity I need to be with my ASD Kids. Take care.