As soon as I look at my kids though no matter how tired I am I can at least bang out 1 mile on the treadmill and do some ab work, or some squats. They make me make healthier choices. And physically they keep me going. I don't know if I've run more this week or worked out harder because I'm getting ready for my first MUD RUN next weekend. But I am sore, but beyond sore, joints hurt, my feet hurt, when I get out of bed I feel like I am being stabbed in the bottom of my foot. So I take some Advil, suck it up and do the next indicated thing.
I have got to work on the mental part of my health and not stuff all the things that are bothering because that leads me to make a lot of choices that are unhealthy way beyond just eating a pizza. My marriage is in a bad place and I hate autism and I got laid off, and we are broke and everything I say or do at least in our house gets put down or criticized, so instead of reacting I run, maybe I'm running too much. I don't know. But I am putting it out there and just knowing that it's out there takes a little anxiety away. I have things here I need to do but am stuck in a place of fear.
The things I know I need to do to fix the problems are stop procrastinating, stop blaming, be honest with everyone, stop waiting for it to get better and make it better. I do know I am a good mom to my kids, I do know that I am smart and there will be a job that will allow me to work and care for my kids. I don't want to sink into this quicksand of depression so I have to get out of it and move and change. I am the only one that will do it for me and my kids, so what in the hell is wrong with me, why am I not changing? I just don't know how to do that, I figure out a little bit more everyday on the treadmill and on the road but I have a long way to go to find that happiness that I want.
I know it's there but it's hiding and I'm going to find it, I just need some help trying to get there.