Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Real Houswives (Train Wrecks) of OC Reunion and Season Re-Cap

It’s official!  Whenever I feel morally, spiritually, and maternally inferior, or just plain bad about my life, and myself I have found the cure!  I just need to turn on the Real Housewives of Orange County.  The reunion show alone from season six is enough to give someone enough of an emotional lift they could probably get off of any anti-depressant they are on and live a life of gratitude that they are not as self-center and self-absorbed as these broads.

I thought this season was a bit of bore and was of the brief opinion that the ladies (a loosely used term) must have been acting it up a little, because as a mom – once those babies came flying out of my va jay jay my self-absorption flew out with them.  The Real Housewives must have had their babies at a different hospital.  Their self-absorption was thankfully for my entertainment purposes left completely in tact.  However, I do feel for their children because obviously you cannot give our kids an appropriate amount of love, care and concern when you are busy painting your face for the weekly drag queen contest. (No offense meant to the hot drag queens out there).  Just making sure every square foot of your collagen filling platypus lips are covered is a job all on it’s own forget putting on the false eyelashes to go to the gym.

Since I’m on the topic of makeup, I must.  I am aware that Tamra and Vicki cannot stand Gretchen.   They may want to commission her services for their make – up.  Whoever painted the faces of Vicki and Tamra at the reunion should be fired.  Vicki looked like a shiny, menopause, hot flash, and sweaty mess.  And Tamra and the smoky eyes only made her look crazier than she is.    In addition to the scowl and pout that Tamra sported the entire show that awful makeup job made her look horrible.  Vicki about lost her mind when Alexis pocket gay assistant was going assist her with powdering her nose.  Vicki you should think about hiring a powder person or powder your mug yourself like you went koo koo about.

Gretchen honey, you are a beautiful young lad that hasn’t ruined your face with all the injectables too make you look like a puffer fish.  Quit that Housewives job, and focus on your business.  Get away from those toxic middle aged busy bodies who obviously are so void of character that rather than care for their children they do nothing bit try to slader you and the other chicks.  They look and act like horribly miserable people and your attitude with them this season made you sound like a rabid incessant lapdog that people want to muzzle.  I’m not a fan of Slade, I used to work in a building with him back in the mortgage hey day and if you weren’t one of the OC beautiful people he couldn’t be bother with holding an elevator or a door open for you.  He’s just a pompous jerk, bummer he’s hurting financially (like most are right now) but if he makes you happy have at it.

Peggy, WOW!  Aren’t you glad Tamra didn’t throw your financial dirty laundry out on the floor for everyone to see.  According to the OC Register, your home is in foreclosure, and according to you are suing the back about your mortgage.  Just so you are aware people that can pay their mortgage do pay it, they don’t do a slimy Bellino and “Sue the Bank”.  It’s not the taxpayers fault that the equity fell out of your cookie cutter, Irvine McMansion with an over priced HOA.  And please eat an Organic Cheeseburger your bones are scary to see.  If you did “date” (hookup) with Jim Bellino, all I will say is “ICK”, and since you agreed with Alexis that you went to the house after he would return your phone calls – have some stalker fries with your cheeseburger!  EWWWW

Alexis – Have you ever heard of the term “Less is more”?  And no I’m not talking about the length of your skirts.  STOP talking to everyone about everything!  No one cares, and go to the point where you make yourself sound STUPID.  I feel sorry for you, just STOP THE KOO KOO TALK.  It is absolutely not necessary to have to 1 up or comment on everything everyone says.  You have the tendency to make yourself look like a horses ass.
You don’t know what Couture means.  You made dresses that go up to the cooch.  There is no self respecting real mom would “throw on” your hooker hot pants to go to pre-school pick up.  I expect to see your shorts in our local Ross stores at $9.99 in about a year.  The French Restaurant that you don’t want French food at because it’s too Frenchy!??  Do you think you could offend a chef a little more?  And Honey!  Are you aware of how much you pissed off every hardworking taxpaying family that is shedding blood, sweat and tears to keep their homes afloat?  You are aware the housing market crashed on everyone right? (Probably not because I can’t imagine you thinking past your own beak).    As you sat and whined like you are some victim that had equity stolen from your mansion – Poor Barbie!   You short sold your house, and then sat there like a peacock with his feathers flying saying you’re buying your next house for cash????  Really????  You and Jim a classy couple!  For the love of God, will you stop blabbing all over yourself about how Christian you are?  I’ll lie because God will forgive me, I’ll steal from the tax payers because I want my equity, I am entitled some equity, and I’ll uses assets I wasn’t supposed to have to buy a new better mansion for cash.  Like you should thank a soldier for protecting and defending your freedom to be a jerk, go thank a taxpayer for paying your mortgage and short sale to the bank.    I’m certain there is not a more self-centered couple than you and Mr. Bellino.

Vicki – Your allegiance is with Tamra, the one that trash talked you for the entire previous season.  You allegiance probably should have been with your husband.  Hopefully Tamra the Witch doesn’t jack you twice.  We have listened to you whine and whine and whine about YOUR work, YOUR love tank, I want to hear… I need… and basically me, me,me,me,me.  Good Lord woman!  Here are a few tips in people and social skills that they work on with my autistic son.  “You have to give, to receive what you want”, Be nice to people and they will be nice back; Love the people in your life (expecting nothing in return) and the rewards you receive will astound you.  You are a successful businessperson that many admire but remember to balance your life.  If your entire fulfillment is in you bank account then your love tank will have a constant leak in it.
And here is a little hypocrite sandwich for you, I couldn’t help but wonder, if Slade and Gretchen, or Jim and Alexis made a bathtub sex film, would you have said it was “beautiful”? 

And last but not least, the world’s biggest hypocrite Tamra.  You couldn’t be any further from anything that represents “Real”, or Housewife, or Orange County.   The scowl and puss you wore on your face during the reunion show gave you the persona of a nut job that was going to go postal on the set.  Looking a little bit psycho.  You are the Gladys Kravits of the Housewives.  Jeana is her own bit of crazy, but you took snooping and dishing out to a whole new level.  The bathtub scene, and your poor kids, the lesbian love talk, the trash talking of everyone, you must be so proud!  Apparently not because nothing else would explain your horrible behavior and attitude.  Your kids will watch and see, and wow, I don’t even want to think about how humiliated they must be to have their friends talk about how trashy you are.    Please spend your Bravo money on therapy for them.  And just a word on your wit, you are no match for Bethenny Frankel; she has the timing and humor that you lack.  So all you do is sound like a middle aged 909 bitty that is unhappy with herself so you attack those around you.  If you could take it, you wouldn’t block people from your Twitter account that call you on being a skank, yet you follow Slade on Twitter – is it hard to swallow hypocrite pie?  It is a little dry.  Oh, and did it feel good to look like a donkey saying Jeana was pushing you in the pool when no such thing happened? 
You are not a very likable person because you attack everyone that is a threat to you.  Why do you care so much about Gretchen?  It’s been years it’s over, and you’re still screeching like a rabid cat in an ally fight in the middle of the night.  Get a life of your own and mind your business.  You lost your complete mind about Jeana talking trash about you and your business yet you had no problem throwing everyone on your cast under a bus and backing over them, twice in some cases.  I’m just curious does hypocrisy taste bad??? That must have explained that sour puss you had on your face the whole reunion show.

After watching that, there is nothing (at least this week) that is going to make me feel like a bad mom, or friend, or sister, or person.  Those women helped me hop on the moral high horse, and I'm going to ride it into the beautiful Mission Viejo sunset tonight.

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