Shallow Stick Figures with No Souls - AKA Real Housewives of Orange County

So last week when I was home with a little one, I turned on Bravo to see if I could lose some brain cells.  There was a few days of Real Housewives of Orange County Marathon.   If you ever need to feel morally, spiritually, and ethically superior - this show does wonders for my self esteem.  Hopefully Season 12 won't be a snoozer, but we have a good mix of bi-polar, alcoholic, narcissism, self absorption, crass and tacky with a side of false eyelashes and too much makeup to make for a good watch.

I wish they would change the name of the show to Drunken Chicks without Psych Meds.  There isn't anything real about them, they're not housewives, and there is nothing ladylike or anything that speaks for us REAL moms and wives in Orange County.  So I'm going to keep it about the comic relief because it's a train wreck that for a decade I haven't been able to not watch. I love it, it's my thing and yes slightly pathetic.  But seriously my life is hard and I need some mindless banter sometimes and they provide the perfect recipe for mindless........

Vicki for the love of God.  You have not in 12 seasons been nice to anyone that has walked on "your show".  So for you to demand that people be nice to you, I couldn't stop laughing.  You and the angry drunk Kelly Dodd sat in your office mocking an empty parking lot, yeah that's nice, and productive "go to work", as you say.  You are the neediest most narcissistic broad ever and it just gets worse every year.  I have watched you make your daughters surgery and illness about you, I have watched you blame everyone for your affairs, I have watched you blame everyone and try to play the victim in every way possible. Also, you're not Jesus being nailed to the cross,  I have laughed at that one for 2 years.    I have mocked you for begging people for compliments, and trying to convince your adult children that you were Low-Maintenance - even they see through your shallow self.  But I have to keep watching so that I can spot the signs of narcissism and pray that I or anyone near me is never as self absorbed as you.   You met with Lydia, and had to rip her personality apart before you complimented her?  What's with that?  You're the kind of women that women want to smack in the head.   And one question, since you all left Ryan in Oklahoma that place you hate and the people in it, did you bury him there after he went bat shit crazy because someone put her feet up on the couch?

Oh Tamra, it's good that you found the Lord and your faith.  It does take life changing hurts to usually bring people to God for life changing experience.  So why if you have gone to all this work with your faith do you surround yourself with these evil nut jobs????  Oh that's right because you're the shit stirrer and look for shit to throw in the pot to keep the focus off of the life you're trying to avoid.  You
have become a much more rounded softer person over the years, but for crying out loud, you're just a fine line of Vicki narcissism away from demise.  It's clear you chose the fame of Bravo over your kids.  Own that, and admit it, everyone knows that you made that choice but you.

Shannon, oh Shannon.  You're a shit show of mental illness.   Can you just pretend to be grateful for the amazing life you have?  Let Vicki go.  Vicki didn't make you gain weight she hardly shoved the bread and Grey Goose down your throat.  So lose the weight, we've all been there, and quit whining about it.  Your sadness and hurt, and anger will do nothing good for anyone.  There is no feng shui that will remove your hurt.   Forgive and move on.

Lydia, you're sweet.  I just like you as a mom, a person, you're fun.  These ladies are mean, and OMG arms distance.

Meghan - Congratulations on that baby. Can't wait to see how you jump into drama that has nothing to do with you.  You're young,   you're not a middle aged desperate for attention OC wife yet.  Don't do what those crack pots do.

Kelly - Whoa, still nuts, still annoying, still angry, still useless.  Tamra is the shit stirrer, you're the ingredient in the pot that brings the stink.  Man I can't figure you out except maybe bi-polar alcoholic.  Holy crap you are the train wreck that keeps on giving.  So I can't wait to see what you bring.

Diamond Sports Car Lady - OY Vey, we will see what you bring, but I saw you filming in Laguna not long ago, and you're high maintenance and a little bit full of yourself - seriously.

The Day My Filter Died

I have had these thoughts wrapped in my head for weeks now, and kept them in because it's a reality that to be a blogger, you have to write about rainbows, puppies, and the perfect afternoon outing with your perfectly coiffed and dressed children, your perfectly designed home, and cooked meal and never ever show the mess in the kitchen ;)


Well you know what? that just isn't real.  I can't fake it anymore.  I love my kids and I love my life, and sometimes our "perfect" outing or vacation is hijacked by autism or some other co-morbid diagnosis that goes along with it.  My kids are rarely tolerated by public places,  my genius kindergartner was kicked out of Kumon because he was reading and scripting the instructions to the teacher repeatedly, and she would not tolerate a non-stepford child.  Even though he could have worked circles around the "neuro-typical" kids in there, the quirks of autism were more than was going to be accepted in Kumon, so we left, and I accepted that woman telling me "he needs therapy before he can come here", "we can't be expected to tolerate his behavior".  Well honey, thanks for telling me something I don't know - no I didn't say that to her, I just took the bullet she shot at me and let it stew for awhile.  Well no more of that.  My kids are amazing, and sometimes  HERE IS WHAT I AM NEVER SUPPOSED TO SAY OUT LOUD.  Sometimes the Neuro Typical kids in the world are a little over-rated, spoiled and nightmarish, but yeah, my kid reading the instructions over and over and needing 10 minutes to adjust to a new environment, yeah, that's the real problem. 

You know what else I'm going to be real about, my fitness journey.  Yes, I lost 80 lbs, yes, I gained 30 back, yes I'm trying to get them back off.   It's hard, it's frigging really really hard, but being fat is miserable, so I push through the hard, and sometimes I fail, and sometimes I stay in bed and not workout, and sometimes I run really really slow.  I disappoint myself, and I shock myself too, with what I'm able to do.  I eat ice cream in the middle of the night out of the container in the garage.  So there, it's out there, it's real, stand up if this is you too.  I will still be running 2 half marathons barely trained for next month, praying I don't die or injure myself too much.

As an autism mom I always feel like I fall horribly short.  I am inconsistent sometimes, I give up too soon on a therapy or a treatment, my follow through sometimes falls short because I frankly am exhausted, physically mentally,  and spiritually.  I do the best I can, and sometimes I feel like in all areas my life that others do it better.  So sometimes I hit it out of the park, and sometimes I strike out, I just need to find the balance.

As a school parent, I fall short, because I'm the "special ed" mom, and the school barely notices our kids.  But I'll tell you where I won't fail your kids, is voicing the truth where their safety and well being our concerned.  While PTA meetings sit mostly empty and most moms expect those moms to do it, you're missing out on having a voice for your kids education. While many were busy making a perfectly orchestrated family photo at Corona Del Mar, the government snuck in something called Common Core, that is untested, unproven, and lower standards than we've ever had.  If you're busy trying to show the world your perfection.  Common Core is invading your perfect kid and going to make him or her a drone that is not university ready.  And while I appreciate the perfect image all over Instagram, show up at a board of education meeting or school board or PTA meeting occasionally so you can see what the intentions are for your kid, and speak up if you don't agree, this Common Core is basically going to ruin a generation.  For a special ed mom that's horrible and something I can't stand for.  My kids can do everything, they are different, they are not less, they aren't the same as a typical child, and need accommodations for that and Common Core is going to take it away, well I have a voice, I am their voice and I will scream this until you all pay attention.

So I apologize if the new "real" isn't the lifestyle of OC you want to see.  I'm just not that perfect picture, I have flaws, and I work them out.  You probably won't see my family on the PR promotions of families at amusement parks, or restaurants, or cool family shows.  We are a real family, and not the picture of perfection that sells the tickets to the places people go.  But if you want to show how to navigate OC with special needs, and quirks and how to manage them with a kid or kids with special needs, I'm your girl. 

Housewives of OC Really??????

I am behind a few weeks on this Season of the Train wrecks of Orange County, because frankly they are irritating and stupid. I am fairly sure that if I ran into a few of them on the street I would knock them right off of their stilettos, just to amuse myself.

I get reality.   In someways and on some days my life and those of most of the Real Moms in OC there is a little too much real in our reality. Besides one real crazy bitch in Laguna Niguel that is off her psychiatric medication, I have never come into contact with women who treat each other so poorly. These are middle aged, made up like bad street walkers that are crying about nose jobs, who are friends with who they are nothing more than a HOT MESS.

Vicki it is clear that you are the neediest, clingiest, and most self-centered person on the planet. I mean for crying out loud you are driving your daughter to oncology surgery whining about how YOU are going to get through this??????? REALLY???? Why would you do that? I am a mom and I would do everything in my power to make sure my kid was as comfortable as possible. Last year when my mom drove me to my oncology surgery not once did she mention herself. It's sad I really used to enjoy you on the show but your true colors of selfishness are not a portrayal of anyone that is REAL in OC. Ad your new relationship is great, but he got behind on his child support, admit it, be nice to others in that position,a nd humble yourself. If you are,going to try and play the Christian card at your convenience then you should lose the judgement and scrape that old gum Tamra off of your shoe.

Gretchen, you have some business smarts it appears. Get some real smarts and get the hell away from Tamra the mental patient. She is crazy and nothing more than a huge shit stirrer, I think she wants to skin you and wear you like last years Versace. Slade is slimy but if you're happy please explain why. I just don't get the guy at all.

Alexis, honey, the women are mean, you don't know how to be mean, just go away from them. And for Pete's sake, you cry too much over a minor surgery. Do you know how much that irritates those of us that have had to have had surgery because of cancer or other horrible things? Will you please grow a pair and throw a big pot of spaghetti on Tamra she was so rude and disgusting to you, you need to put that animal in her place.  We need more action from you and less talking, in your case talking less is much more.

Heather, you are hilarious to watch, because you cast dispersions on the other chicks with a smile on your face. Love it! "Shut it down" is my new favorite line.

Tamra, I need to know if Bravo gave you a raise for going off of your anti-psychotic medication? You are crazy, you went completely psycho over a couple of drunken high fives and tried to make your best friends boyfriend handle your boob. WHO DOES THAAT??? You are at a RESTAURANT a fondue restaurant and act like you're shocked that the are going to serve food with calories. Eating disorder much? You clearly are planning a huge Hen house fight. You are insensitive and horrible to Vicki who you claim is your best friend on earth, and then you try and throw her and Gretchen in the ring. Was that supposed to be an illegal cock fight or something. We're you sad no one drew first blood? You need psychiatric help go get some.

This season has really made me reflect on how mentally healthy I am. So to the real housewives of OC thank you for making me feel so much better about myself, and how superior I am emotionally, spiritually and maternally and I fell that way even without the drag queen makeup you all proudly display.
 

Rebecca

Real Train Wreck Awards

Okay, it is clear that since these crack pots have no class or manners when it comes to attending parties, dinners, or others homes, I propose Bravo do an episode where the women are forced to go to etiquette class together where some "Helga" whips their asses into shape.

It really would be hilarious.  Because these women all think they have it going on, and honestly there is nothing more to them than junior high school level of social skills.

In honor of the Oscar's this week, I am awarding each of the Train Wrecks an award.

Vicki - She wins "The World's most insecure/neediest/clingiest Person award - VICKI - Woman come on everyone loves you.  Do you really want everyone in your life to wear it on a neon sign on their forehead so you can admire it all the time? 

Tamra - She wins the "I NEED ATTENTION" award.  Let's see, the undo amount of drama, the ridiculous amounts of alcohol, and show boating, making porn, trying to have men touch your boobs, body shots.  You win Tamra you get the attention, God knows why people pay you any attention,  but you win.

Gretchen - Get's the "I like outfits with cameltoe" award.  The shorts you walked the dog with, I mean honestly, shop in the ladies section not the children's.  You are hot and have a banging body, but good Lord does all of Costa Mesa need to see the Vajajay walking the dogs down the street?

Alexis - She wins the "Silence would be golden" award.  Maybe join Toastmasters or something, because your little side interviews you do just seem to make you look like brain cells are falling out of your mouth with every spoken word.  Less is More.  I know you wouldn't ever consider that rule of thumb where your make up is concerned, but if you leave a little mystique about what you think, you will seem much more....  (look up a good word Alexis).

Heather - She wins the "I think my poop don't stink award".  I really like this chick, and that she doesn't want to have this classless, catty, group of metal patients to her house made me laugh out loud. A little bit pretentious, but it is OC, who isn't pretentious?  She carries it to a new level.  Her husband ROCKS I love that he just says it as it is, and she has a stick shoved so far up her ass she doesn't think he's funny.  I loved that he thought and called Vicki's dinner party low rent - HILARIOUS.  Lady you better laugh at this man who provides you with you wonderful life, because the "C" list of movies you've "acted" in will not keep you on "Billionaire's Row".  He's an awesome dude, have you seen some of the other whacko husbands on this franchise.  Worship the ground that man walks on for the love of Pete, don't be a douche bag!

Can't wait to see Slade on the comedic stage next week, and pick apart that looney.

Rebecca

They're BAAACK - The Real Trainwrecks of OC - Season 7

Well, I have to say I didn't miss them much because they were pretty boring and predictable last season.  Drag Queen make up, pretentious posing, staged drama, divorce, soft core porn, and dinner parties from hell.  This is what all the "Real Housewives" franchises are, so you really just tune in for the characters.  They have to be characters because I refuse to believe that 40 something (in some cases 50 something) women act like Lindsay Lohan in junior high school.  It is a guilty pleasure I get out of watching 5 women in Orange County try to portray themselves as "Real", when there is nothing real to them. 

So after 2 years of vicious cat fighting name calling and slanderous words Tamra and Gretchen are now friends. Um, sure - Bravo we believe that none of your shows are scripted.  OH MY GAWD. "Secret Lovers" as they called it because they are keeping it a secret from everyone.  For the love of God, Gretchen,  Tamra is so mean, nasty and untrustworthy, she has thrown you and every single person on the show under the bus like she is queen of the OC.  You will regret this decision, because Tamra is the epitome of jealousy in the OC, she has nothing and wants it all.  She will take you down to her level.  Don't seek a lower companionship, there has to be better chicks in OC to want to be friends with don't let it be the meanest one in town.

Alexis you filled 3 sippy cups for breakfast and got cereal bars out of the pantry and complained at how hard it is to be a working mom.  I nearly choked.  You have an assistant, you bought your kids lunch at school, and threw some cereal bars in a backpack before your one day of work out of the house.  My goodness woman, how on earth do the rest of us do it.  Oh, yeah I forgot to mention how "glammed" up you got.  I am going out on a limb here, but am, fairly certain the glamming up took priority over the kids breakfast.   Seriously, you really can't think you have it so challenging.  Most of us REAL MOMS work, have no help, and don't spend several hours putting our drag queen make up on before our 1 hour job in San Diego one day a week.  Your life, so stressful, short selling your house in Newport Beach on the tax payers back, whilst in bankruptcy and then buying a beautiful home in Dana Point for cash.  Excuse me whilst I barf, and have no sympathy for "how hard it is" to be you. 

I have to go back to Tamra, you said Heather the new housewife is everything Alexis wants to be.  Isn't that everything you were portraying to be in the first couple of seasons you were on the show.  You were all fine and happy with your marriage and big house behind the gates, Rolex's, plastic surgery, tennis bracelets, and yachts until - HELLO - bad economy- you figured out you weren't wealthy????  You were pretending to be wealthy before Alexis was on the show.  Hello - Pot, meet Kettle.  Good Lord woman, be a little less hypocritical and mean and maybe people wouldn't want to knock the hat off your head when you are seen in line at Starbucks around town.

Vicki, well I can't wait to see the turn of events in your life this season.  See the drama self-induced and otherwise that comes with this season.  But Vicki you are so smart and driven.  Why on earth, after seven OC season and a slew of other Housewives franchises would you have a dinner party.  It is clear that anyone that signs on to be a housewife has no class when it comes to dinner parties.  You all act like spoiled, psychotic, attention starved children when invited to some one's home.  Since you are trying to sell yours and all I would think that you wouldn't want your stuff messed up, so I can't wait to see what happens next week when the proverbial poo poo hits the fan at the first dinner party (of the season) from hell on the OC Housewives.

Heather, welcome and stay the hell away from Tamra, she's a jealous Tasmanian devil.  She will turn on you like the Chupacabra.  Can't wait to see the antics you bring to the OC, how "REAL" you are.

So I look forward to another breathtaking season.  And the fact that you women make me feel like such a good wife, mother and friend, the self-esteem boost I get when I look at you all and your behavior is almost as great as the 80 lbs I've lost. 

Rebecca