Sunday, March 11, 2012

Breakdown to Breakthrough

I went to my last Barry's Bootcamp workout of the week on Friday.  Friday is the Full Body Workout, and it's friggin' exhausting.  But an amazing workout.  Scott Perry did a great class, and I still have a hard time keeping up, and that crazy head of mine telling me I'm the fat old lady in class no wonder I can't keep up.  I really need to beat that voice in my head, I hate it.

After driving home from the workout out I was speeding along the freeway crying.  I feel sometimes like I just SUCK at working out.  I get panicked when I'm running too fast and can't catch my breath and I stop.  I don't like to work that hard, I guess.

I was pondering why I get so wigged out when running or working out and right before I kick it into a super high gear I start to panic and just stop.  What is that?  Who does that?

I was thinking I just like running and trotting along not breathing super hard, not pushing super hard, able to finish with a smile on my face, not wincing in pain and sweat.  It really is bullshit.

Every time I finish a workout I'm excited, and happy that I finished, and these boot camps have really shown me what I can and can not do, and the areas I need to work harder.   It's the working HARDER that pisses me off.  I like working out, I don't love it, I do it because its good for me and it will help me stay healthy so I'm here to take care of my kids.  I started working out a year ago exactly, and have lost 85 lbs, and this time last year I couldn't run five feet, and now I can run five miles regularly.

I want the working out to be fun, the rest of my life is hard, my marriage is hard, autism is hard and sucky, and my body after cancer is hard to get over, the economy is hard, being a mom is hard.  For the love of Pete, when is shit going to start being fun and or easy?

So I have no other choice but to make all this hard work and races, and boot camps and mileage fun because the rest of my life doesn't look like it's going to change, and I'm not saying that the rest of my life is bad in any way shape or form, my life is good, but there are so many things that are hard about it, I am looking for something that is easy and fun.

This is why I am doing it, I need to be here for these smiles
So a breakthrough from boot camp.  So I will make it fun from now on, these workouts are mine, they don't belong to anyone else, they are mine, the more I do the harder I work the stronger I get, in my body, in my mind and in my spirit.


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