Something different

A new school year to me always brings a maternal level of anxiety, and this year especially so.  My "baby" started Kindergarten, and it's a big deal.  He's growing up, he's making his way and I'm not sure I was or am ready to make that break.  I miss him during the day, but am immensely enjoying him when he comes home from school, with a new phrase or quirk that he has learned at school.  So I'm excited and apprehensive.

This year my kids are at different schools, so I have an added thing.  I have 2 groups of moms to get to know, 2 schools to volunteer at, 2 PTA's, and 2 teachers, and 2 principals.  All of that is enough to give me a case of the runs alone.

My stress exists on many levels.  The first day of school there are the "over achieving" moms that have gifts, and donuts, and chalk board photos of their perfectly coiffed children, in their amazing Nordstrom outfit.  I just have never been able to get all the stuff done that most moms do get done.  I accept it and know it is what it is.  I have come to accept that what my weaknesses are and what my strengths are, and that perfectly gift wrapped, and snack mom, well it just ain't me. I'm not a size 2, but I'm fit actually fitter than most 46 year old cancer survivors, I'm not the most popular blog in OC, but a lot of people like my blog, and tell me that.  My kids aren't the kids that other kids are dying to come to our house and play, but they are friggin' amazing every single day and can work circles around most of the over indulged Orange County children, they have their issues, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be their mommy.

And while I love to peruse on Pinterest.  I have a feeling that it is an evil plot by men to get women and moms to workout, cook and decorate immaculately.  And I ALWAYS feel like I am falling short.  I don't always have the perfect meal cooked, I slack on my workouts and take a couple of weeks off, and the only thing I can DIY well is drive a car.  Very little creative juices flow in my brain, and the stuff I copy off of Pinterest is just pitiful.

This year I am going to try and take a different tack, and instead of the constant feeling of inadequacies that I have to deal with everyday.  I'm going to try to just know what my limitations are, know I am good at some things, and if it's not wrapping 24 presents on time for Groundhog Day, sometimes I just am able to throw some cupcakes in a box, deliver them for no reason and they are met with the same smile as the Pinterest holiday porn tha is t peddled so viciously to moms.

I am practicing at getting better and doing things one day at a time.  I do not and will not have all of my Christmas shopping started, done and wrapped in the month of October or November.  But I will think small and finish the accomplishments.

Autism and life to me get overwhelming, and what I am going to do this year, is just get back to basics, and not making myself insane trying to keep up with the moms that are CLEARLY popping their kids ADD medication (just kidding).    I have finally come to the level of acceptance that is going to bring me some peace of mind.  I'm not a size 2, but I'm fit. I'm not the most popular blogger in California, but I love getting emails from the people that love what I write.  My kids are not the most popular kids in OC, but they are the most amazing kids I've met.  I'm grateful right now, and I haven't felt that in a long time.  My life is a blessing, and I need to realize that I am all I am and all I can do is be as awesome as I can everyday.  I'm attempting to be awesome, as awesome as I can and as awesome as I think awesome is.  If you think it's awesome it's a bonus, but the most important is that the people I share a house with get the most awesome me I can bring to the party.

I am going to make an effort to make sure I get my exercise, at least 20 minutes a day, cook 4 meals a week, and shuttle my kids to and from the 14 different activities and therapies they have a week.  I am going to focus on my kids smiles more than on keeping up with people that don't care if I am competing with them.

So to the 2014/2015 school year, we are going to attempt a BE AWESOME year, and hope you do too.

Rebecca

I am Different but not Less

 

Different Not Less………..  Those words have haunted me since I saw the movie “Temple Grandin” on HBO a few years ago.  It came out a few months after our autism diagnosis with our first son.

I try to put those into action all the time and sometimes it is a real chore to focus on all the obstacles the kids have overcome, and how much they CAN do.  I sometimes focus on the deficits and the delays that are so evident when we are our in public or with kids we used to play with who have developed and matured out of our world.  But since this special needs motherhood comes with no map on how to control your thoughts and feelings about the neurological torture our kids go through with autism,  I do the best I can and get a little bit better and am more positive and more hopeful for my kids everyday, even on the days when I shed tears.

 

My kids are on a peak with therapy and moving forward with therapy and we are so very busy with appointments and stuff, I’m overwhelmed and happy.  I’m on a new path of trying to expose the kids to everything I can to help with their behavior, and tolerance of new things, so we can live a life outside of the walls of our property if we choose too. 

Sometimes our events that I try to take them to are a hit, sometimes not so much.  So even my motherhood is DIFFERENT than most, but it by NO MEANS LESS THAN ANY OTHER MOTHERHOOD.  Sometimes the special needs moms get the shaft by society in more ways that I can count.  I can’t be that mom I always thought I’d be, I can’t be that blogger that gets to go to all the cool crap, I can’t be the mom hosting the bad ass pool parties and play dates, I can’t be the mom whose kids are winning contests and trophies and going to sports tournaments all over the state.  I just can’t those aren’t my kids.  I am the mom that has two kids with autism; I’m the mom whose kids are more comfortable at home.  I am the mom who needs to be with her kids because sometimes I am the ONLY ONE that understands how to care for them. I am the mom who has therapy at her home everyday.  I am the mom who has children and a husband who are VERY high maintenance.  I am the mom who gets elated and excited and over the moon happy when I get a smile and hug from her child.  I am the mom who does a happy dance when we have no potty accidents.  I am the mom that when my 4 year old asks to go to Disneyland at 6am – TAKES HIM instead of going to school.  I am the mom that struggles with so many things.  I am the mom who puts on the brave face when I feel like I may crumble.  I am the mom who is jealous of those of you who get to go out and have fun on a whim with your kids.  I am the mom who envies those of you bloggers that can leave your kids and go to fun events. I am the mom who will never stop looking for answers and will do anything and go to the end of the earth to help her kids.  I am the mom who loves her life and embraces everything in it – good bad and ugly.  My motherhood is different than most, but it certainly is not less.

It has taken me a lot of soul searching, mourning, to get to this place, but I think I’m finally there, and my kids realize it.  I love my life, our friends, our families,  the kids are building relationships and I’m thrilled.  Things are different, they are getting much better.

Rebecca