Different Not Less……….. Those words have haunted me since I saw the movie “Temple Grandin” on HBO a few years ago. It came out a few months after our autism diagnosis with our first son.
I try to put those into action all the time and sometimes it is a real chore to focus on all the obstacles the kids have overcome, and how much they CAN do. I sometimes focus on the deficits and the delays that are so evident when we are our in public or with kids we used to play with who have developed and matured out of our world. But since this special needs motherhood comes with no map on how to control your thoughts and feelings about the neurological torture our kids go through with autism, I do the best I can and get a little bit better and am more positive and more hopeful for my kids everyday, even on the days when I shed tears.
My kids are on a peak with therapy and moving forward with therapy and we are so very busy with appointments and stuff, I’m overwhelmed and happy. I’m on a new path of trying to expose the kids to everything I can to help with their behavior, and tolerance of new things, so we can live a life outside of the walls of our property if we choose too.
Sometimes our events that I try to take them to are a hit, sometimes not so much. So even my motherhood is DIFFERENT than most, but it by NO MEANS LESS THAN ANY OTHER MOTHERHOOD. Sometimes the special needs moms get the shaft by society in more ways that I can count. I can’t be that mom I always thought I’d be, I can’t be that blogger that gets to go to all the cool crap, I can’t be the mom hosting the bad ass pool parties and play dates, I can’t be the mom whose kids are winning contests and trophies and going to sports tournaments all over the state. I just can’t those aren’t my kids. I am the mom that has two kids with autism; I’m the mom whose kids are more comfortable at home. I am the mom who needs to be with her kids because sometimes I am the ONLY ONE that understands how to care for them. I am the mom who has therapy at her home everyday. I am the mom who has children and a husband who are VERY high maintenance. I am the mom who gets elated and excited and over the moon happy when I get a smile and hug from her child. I am the mom who does a happy dance when we have no potty accidents. I am the mom that when my 4 year old asks to go to Disneyland at 6am – TAKES HIM instead of going to school. I am the mom that struggles with so many things. I am the mom who puts on the brave face when I feel like I may crumble. I am the mom who is jealous of those of you who get to go out and have fun on a whim with your kids. I am the mom who envies those of you bloggers that can leave your kids and go to fun events. I am the mom who will never stop looking for answers and will do anything and go to the end of the earth to help her kids. I am the mom who loves her life and embraces everything in it – good bad and ugly. My motherhood is different than most, but it certainly is not less.
It has taken me a lot of soul searching, mourning, to get to this place, but I think I’m finally there, and my kids realize it. I love my life, our friends, our families, the kids are building relationships and I’m thrilled. Things are different, they are getting much better.