Today I had my 2 year MRI to check my tata's and make sure all is still good with them and I am still cancer free. If you've had breast cancer you know that the MRI machine is something that you see frequently.
Well today my breast surgeon sent me to a new radiology center that I had not been to before. I walked in it was nice and all, and I was full of anxiety as I am every time I get a scan, or go to any doctor that has to do with the dreaded Big C!
I think I have had about 8 - 10 MRI's in my life, and 6 have been in the last 2 years, so no big deal right?
Well holy hell! I met this sweet technician and this particular MRI, I was getting contrast, so she had to start an IV, and that was fine too. We go into the machine room and I started to sweat and feel a little nauseous, good God really?! I am not turning into one of those sissy buffoons that is crying over nothing am I? So I get on the table, face down with my tata's in the two holes and my face in this ring like on a massage table and then big earphones for music so you don't have to listen to the horrendous noise going on around you in the cylinder.
So I'm in the table, IV is started, and she pushes me into the tube and I flipping start hyperventilating. I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't move my arms were against the cylinder and when I lifted my head it hit the top of the tube. I started yelling "STOP, STOP, STOP", "I can't stand it, get me out, I'm suffocating." Yeah, all that drama. - NEVER have I done this before, and then I started CRYING in public, in front of strangers!! Really?!!!! So I try to pull it together to get the test finished, and she puts me back in and I go through the first 5 - 7 minutes and holy hell the water works start again, and my face is in this hole, and the earphones are making it impossible to move my head and I feel like I am in a coffin and I start yelling. "I can't do it! Get me out! Get me out!". Oh My Gawd. What in the hell has happened to me???
So the half marathon running, cancer surviving, autism REAL mom of OC, lost her shit at radiology center and now I have to be put to sleep for the test. All I could think of driving home was how one of the Real Nut Jobs (housewives) of Orange County would have acted, and it was probably exactly like I behaved in their. Good God, someone kick me in the shins or something and snap me out of it. I would rather behave like anything but one of those fruit loops.
I think you're being way too hard on yourself. I live with panic disorder and what you described is something I encounter on a regular basis, in even the most "normal" situations. It doesn't make me weak. And you aren't weak for having something like that happen to you. Your body was reacting to the stress in your life; it has to come out somehow, eventually. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some credit, and know that crying in public isn't the end of the world. In fact, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is what truly makes us strong in the end. So hold your head high and just move on. Regardless of the reasons behind your anxiety, it happened and now it's done and it doesn't define you. So there.ReplyDelete