Thursday, March 28, 2013

A Motherhood Interrupted and Renovated

I remember when I was pregnant with my first child, I had in my head, planned out his whole little life, where he would go to school, he would be this amazing baseball player, and he would love to do extreme sports and activities with his mom, and his life would be awesome, and I would be this awesomesauceness of motherhood that would be a force to be reckoned with.

I had the same plans for my 2nd child.  He was going to be this crazy smart, golfer, that would travel the world, and take his mom with him everywhere to make sure every detail of his life was flawless and taken care of.

Those were those dreams I had under the pregnancy hormones.  After those babies come, and you are just so in love with them, the baby smell, the little feet, the cute little butts, just everything about being a mom is crazy wonderful, overwhelming, and amazing.  I love every second of it.

Then my awesome Motherhood was interrupted by the autism diagnosis on both of my kids.  It just slammed the door of the motherhood that I had planned for myself and my children.  But I kept trying to open that door, pounding, scratching, kicking that door to get it to open - like a prisoner trying to escape a jail cell.

Autism didn't just rob me of this mom that I wanted to be, it made Motherhood this labyrinth of a maze that no one gave you a map for.  You get handed a prescription for OT, Speech and ABA and get told we'll see you in 6 months.  HUH?!!  Well now what?  I clearly can't go to Gymboree, or Tumbling, or swimming lessons like I wanted.  But WHAT DO I DO NOW???  No one tells you?

So as I was left treading water in the sea that is Autism,  all these things about me as a person and a mother were sinking around me.  I lost this identity that I had made in my head about this mom that I wanted to be. I had friends that had normal kids that I had nothing in common with anymore, I was home or at therapy 40 hours a week with my kids, and it just hurt my heart too much to go on play dates with typical kids and see how far behind my kids were, and watch people stare at my boys like they were a circus sideshow.

After a few years of maneuvering and maturing I have got the autism thing down for the most part, I do research, I have an amazing group of moms that I have trudged this road before me and I take all their information and advice, and run with what works for my family.  We have the kids on a great therapy plan, I'm involved in their school, and I try to saturate them with social situations as much as possible.

As I was out on my run tonight, thinking about all the crap that rattles around in my brain.  I have been training for a half marathon that I'm very excited for.  I'm a slow runner, like old man shuffle type of pace, but I still like doing it, and hope I improve.  I have the opportunity coming up with some mom bloggers to do a relay race over 200 miles, and I'm getting anxiety about it.  You see, my motherhood is interrupted.  I don't get to be the athlete that I think I am in my head.  Autism sometimes yanks my chain and does not allow me to train like I would like, which is why I'm out running at 10pm after everyone is asleep. I am crazy determined to make this happen, I will have to step a lot of things up to do this but I feel confident it will work out.

I also wanted to go to this event tonight for this group of women that I think are really cool.  But I have kids that sometimes my husband can't handle alone (I don't ever get that option) and I have to decline going to things because my kids need me.

I am not the mom, the athlete, the weight loss success story, that is the perfect picture of Motherhood that I had envisioned in my head when I looked at my babies for the first time.  Sometimes I am a HOT MESS, I don't eat right all the time, I gained some weight back, I am struggling keeping on my training plan for the half marathon (but I'm doing it),   But the clarity My motherhood was interrupted and had to be renovated to fit autism into it.  And when we made room and remodeled our lives to include autism, somethings didn't get included in that "house", something are out in the storage shed or the yard.   The family is in the house.  Running, blogging, social events, and sometimes unfortunately some friends are out in storage or in the metaphorical backyard, I visit the yard when I can, when my "house" is in order
. The renovation of my life made me stronger that I imagined.  And you know what?  That is exactly the kind of awesomesauce poured over the hot mess I am that has brought me peace.

1 comment:

  1. Well I for one really hope that you can come out and play in two weeks from now! When they said we needed two more runners in So Cal I immediately thought of you - fingers crossed!!