Sunday, January 6, 2013

My "Bridesmaid" moment

2013 is well underway, I've signed up for a race every month this year, and 3 YES 3 half marathons.  So my ass needed to get in gear, and get some junk out of the trunk and get my wind back.  So for the last couple weeks during Christmas break I started running, well trotting, and jogging basically getting back on track.

My kids and husband were sick most of the vacation, so I just would get out on the road when I could evenings or early morning getting out on the trails with me and my dogs.

Yesterday I think I had washed the last sheet and towel from the stomach virus that all the boys of the house were plagued with.  I took a little antacid because my tummy was feeling a little sour all day but I couldn't miss my run, I was getting my groove back on and really had cabin fever so nothing was keeping me from blazing the trails that night.

So I'm into my first mile, the dogs tails are wagging, I've got awesome mix of music on and after mile one my tummy started to give me a little bit of guff.  But I was getting close to 11 minute mile, which is GREAT for me.  By mile 2 I have a grumbling, rumbling and cramping in my stomach going on, and then the gas comes. 

So I am at this "crossroads" literally.  Do I stop and walk (which I did), clenching my butt cheeks together with all I've got, because I'm now 2 miles from home IN THE DARK.  I can't go into the bushes and squat because of the real threat of a coyote, bobcat or raccoon coming out at me.  So I call my husband, who doesn't answer his phone, to get him to pick me up.  So on I forge down the streets of Orange County to get myself home. 

Clenching and wincing and trotting home, I'm trying to make it without the wedding dress in the street scene from "Bridesmaid" becoming a reality in my world. 

So I am only about a half mile from home, and literally my stride is exactly like Lillian's in the scene where she is trying to get away from the bridal store.  Oh to the vey, I couldn't hold it any longer, and started laughing because the only thing in my head was the scene from Bridesmaid where the Megan character is screaming "It's coming out of me like lava". 

The explosive diarrhea that my kids had had for several days was now passed onto mommy while she was trying to run to be healthy and care for the little dudes.  So yes 3 blocks from my house the poop came, I couldn't keep it in.  I did POOP my pants, and as I was in shock and laughing all alone like a mental patient on the street in the dark and the cold,  I couldn't stop laughing.  At least no one was with me.  At least I was wearing an old pair of running pants and not my brand new Under Armour, and thankfully I chose to wear BLACK!!!

On the side of my house I did the surfer strip down got my clothes off, hosed myself off and my clothes, threw the old pants away and headed into the house half naked and carrying a jug of Clorox and my husband saying "What the hell are you doing?"  Me: "Don't worry about it".  I locked myself in the bathroom and finished the clean up!

The lesson learned.  Run on the treadmill at home when you have a tummy ache!  These are the things that running is teaching me.  While I was humiliated and embarrassed and still can't believe that as a 44 year old mother I crapped my pants in public, but I did get those 3 miles added to my pile.  Yes, I am a mother runner.  I survived cancer, a little poop, while embarrassing and much more funny than cancer, I'll get over that too :)


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